Flip's Hole-The return of Sandor Schnipple-Part 1
Robert J. BAUMANN: rbaumann@nyc.rr.com
Light Millennium: contact@lightmillennium.org

Flip's Hole-The return of Sandor Schnipple - Part 1

by Robert J. BAUMANN

It began like any other normal day at Flip's Hole. Flip opened up at 5 am and began to re-brew the coffee that had been left over from the day before. The grill was fired up, a process that did not take long because it was the size of a postage stamp. The food that was required by law to be refrigerated was taken out from storage and placed within Flip's sandwich board.

Lori showed up with me in tow about 5:30 and customers began to flow in shortly after. Buddy Taub was first these days. Abba Umbaschrier used to have that distinction but he had married old Linwood Park's daughter, Niagara Falls. Niagara was her stage name. She was a stripper. The lovebirds were out in the world somewhere, hiding from her old boyfriend. Jerry "The Kisser" Angina was a jealous sort and, near as I could tell, he was still alive and hunting for them.

All old news and old stories from the Hole. You'd think with the passage of time and the disappearance of some of these characters the place would have a new, mellower ring.

Lori had won her battle but lost the war. She managed to turn Flip's Hole into a cyber cafe, but it made no impact with the regular customers save for Buddy Taub. He used it to look at porno sites and Lori eventually told him to pay his tab or stop surfing. Taub's choice was obvious. He stopped using the computer. It began to accumulate dust, just as the table had.

It was a sore point with Lori because her dad had been right. Stubborn as her dad, Lori refused to admit her defeat even when daily faced with the sight of it.

Buddy, now exiled to the counter, was nibbling away at a two-day old roll and butter. When Mrs. Dechine came in. Buddy referred to her as "Itchy" because a nervous twitch caused her to scratch herself from time to time.

Flip never got her name quite right. He used a hard "k" instead of an "sh". He would call her Mrs. Dekeen and she would politely say "Desheen". Buddy mumbled, much as always, that Flip should just call her "Itchy" and be done with it.

Moe Ippai, the one armed sign painter, once engaged Buddy in conversation before he learned better than to try. He wondered why Mrs. Dechine had a tendency to scratch herself as she did. I guess it was all too noticeable.

Buddy looked Moe straight in the eye and said "Lice". Moe, who had been sitting on Mrs. Dechine's stool, moved one seat over. It was his last effort to be human towards Buddy.

Mrs. Dechine said something quite interesting. She had just taken her car to the old Schnipple Brothers car wash. Her news was that Sandor Schnipple had bought the place and was running it again under the old name.

"How is that possible?", asked Flip. "Old Schnipple was in a nursing home. He was practically a vegetable the last time we saw him."

"He's back. Far from being a vegetable, too. Why, he was running the place with a brand new wife. At least she said her name was Schnipple. She must be about half his age, the old dog. Not much changes with him. I don't even think he's been in touch with Sam."

Sam was one of Schnipple's sons. He suffered from a split personality for many years, calling himself either Sid or Stu Schnipple.

When he discovered that his dad had fathered hundreds of children, the shock had completely destroyed his mania. He emerged as Sam Schnipple, a combination of the best parts of both brothers.

              "Ask me if I care," said Flip.

              "She was pregnant".

Flip yawned. He had met Sandor Schnipple and was singularly unimpressed. The man looked like a space alien from Star Trek. He looked like a Ferrenghi. The only amazing thing about Sandor was his ability to attract and impregnate women, something he had done hundreds and thousands of times. He had bedded so many women that he simply stopped counting.

Sandor had made the Guiness Book of Records under a listing that comically referred to him as "Father of the Year".

"That's not all," added Mrs. Dechine. "He told me as soon as the car wash is back in operating order and turning a profit he's going to begin a new career."

              "You spoke with him?", I asked.

              "Sure. You have no idea how charming he can be."

              "You're right about that," I added.

              "He's going to open up a fertility clinic."

The chorus was not surprising. Everyone turned towards Mrs. Dechine and said "What!?!?" almost simultaneously.

•Yeah. Imagine this. Sandor's going to sell his own sperm to couples who are having trouble bearing a kid. Wild idea, isn't it? Of all people, Sandor Schnipple comes to this career with a proven track record."

Buddy Taub could not contain his resentment. "But he's as ugly as a platypus. The man has pointy teeth, a balding head and a body topping out at not quite 5 feet tall. Who'd want to use his sperm?"

"He showed me the ad campaign. It's based on the old McDonald's slogan. . . Billions Served!"

Flip groaned and said. "I think I'm gonna be ill."

It was at this exact moment when Sam Schnipple walked right in and sat down.

              "Gimme a cup, Flip. Hey, Bart. What's new?"

              Me he had to ask, so I had Mrs. Dechine tell him.

            
To be continued...