EVERYTHING SHOULD BE UNDER THE SUN...
NO New Nuclear Weapons... NO New Nuclear Targets... NO New Pretexts For Nuclear War... NO Nuclear Testing...
NO Star Wars... NO Weapons In Space...
NO All Types Of Weapons, War & War Culture...
We have only one WORLD yet! If we destroy it, where else will we go?

Getting over my writers block!

by Evrim SEL


I had promised myself that I would not have force myself to write. I figured it would come back eventually... but it hasn't. I still cannot sit down, take a pen in my hand and start writing all the things those pass through my mind... So I have come to the conclusion that I'll have to just force it out of my self.. So here I start...

I guess maybe I still am hiding from myself... I think maybe I don't have courage to face everything that I am thinking, or maybe I am so used to news writing and sticking to the facts that maybe I am losing my ability to look further... That's sad... 

From all these (well not that many since I am only 23 now) years of experience of writing essays and poetry, I've discovered that when I am writing, I have to be.. I need to be honest to myself... I need to face my own truth, without the fear of being criticized. Otherwise, it just doesn't come out right; the words don't create meaningful sentences.

A lot of things happened since the last time I wrote. First of all I had changed a lot. I am not a college student anymore... I graduated after 3 and a half lovely years of college and jumped into the real world. At first I though it was just great. I had finally done it. I got a great job at where I had interned; I didn't experience the emptiness of an unknown reality. I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be... Everything seemed set.

I was ready to join the rest of the world... to live the rest of my life-my own adventure.

I wanted to change the world according to my beliefs. I wanted to lead my life the way I wanted to, with no interruptions or delays. How unrealistic does that sound, right?

Life certainly isn't what we got used to in high school and it certainly isn't college. The people you get to meet are usually not as understanding, and open minded as some of your classmates or your teachers...

I am a very straightforward person. I like it that way. I need to get it off of my chest, if I feel strongly about something or someone... If I don't like you, or something you say I'll let you know. If something bothers me, I try to share it with others...

Well in real world, not many can handle that kind of a truth; it is too much pressure on some. Life is not like a classroom where everyone is ready and comfortable with debate... It certainly is a place where, each and everyday we take many tests, some we fail, some we pass... but it certainly isn't an understanding classroom. If you fail on your decision, you definitely have to face harsher consequences. In real life you can't take the test again, or you can't beg your teacher for an oral presentation... that could raise your average... You lose, you lose... you have got to find another road to follow. Now I understand why my mother said, I shouldn't stress as much over school work... one day I'll look back and say "those were the best years of my life". See, I never realized up until now, how great I had it when I was in school. My professors and classmates were all precious. We had a million topics to reflect on. I would have talked much more than only if I knew that I couldn't do it after graduation...

I thought my ideal world was strong enough to break through the mountain high waves, all the resistance. But that was a dream... that could not survive long enough. I didn't know life was all about politics-which I hate so much by the way.

Not only that, I wanted to make a difference. I had my own beliefs, my own opinions about how life was and how it was supposed to be... As my boyfriend told me later on, I just had way to high hopes for the humanity (society)... on certain issues. I didn't know, well I knew but didn't want to accept that one person's opinion couldn't change anything. Out there you can talk all you want. People hear it, but discard it. Many, at this point (even sometimes me) are so used to ignoring the unfairness of life, the disrespect of others. Finding out that we all become ignorant at some point in life bothers me... realizing the fact that I have come to accept that, hurts me even more... My boyfriend says it shouldn't... According to him that's just life... You have got to learn how to take it as it evolves around you...

Come to think of it... when there is a beat down or kills a young minority kid, I react to it more than he does. He says it's all because I didn't grow up here and he did... He says he grew up with all that unfairness, so learned to accept it, or not overreact to them. But is that a right thing to do. I mean when I call him "ignorant" he gets mad at me. I don't mean anything bad by it, I understand where he comes from, but I can't help but think that he needs to be a little more sensitive than he became in years.

I realize now the number of people one can really reach out to... is no matter what, is very limited... I understand that one person may not be able to change anything. But does that mean we should give up thinking, believing. If we all think the same, dress the same with additional individualities, what's the point of life then?

My boyfriend laughs at me... He says I live in my own world... What's wrong with having my little get-away world? I like the world I try to keep alive inside my mind. I have strong opinions... that I actually enjoy sharing if I am given the chance. Not everyone has to agree upon what I think. I just like to let give others the chance to get to know the "real me."

So my conclusion is that "I don't want to live my life by trying to hide most of what I think, so I won't offend anybody, I don't want to play political all the time. I just want to be me... I don't want to hide anymore."

So I am breaking my own silence...

PS: Thank you to all of you who just  read this essay, and I  hope it made sense for you, somewhere along the line.
©
Evrim Sel, NY, July 2002

   
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