Interview with Satan
by Robert J. BAUMANN
quote from the Gospel of Matthew Chapter 13
Parable of the Weeds
told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven
is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. 25But
while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed
weeds among the wheat, and went away. 26When the wheat
sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.
owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you
sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds
'An enemy did this,' he replied.
servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them
'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the
weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. 30Let both
grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell
the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in
bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring
it into my barn.' "
Parable of the Weeds Explained
His disciples came to him and said, "Explain to us
the parable of the weeds in the field."
answered, "The one who sowed the good seed is the
Son of Man. 38The field is the world, and the good seed
stands for the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the
sons of the evil one, 39and the enemy who sows them is
the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the
harvesters are angels.
the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it
will be at the end of the age. 41The Son of Man will send
out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom
everything that causes sin and all who do evil. 42They
will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will
be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 43Then the righteous
will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father.
He who has ears, let him hear.
It was an
unusual assignment handed to me by Bircan Unver Culkin.
"If you disagree with our stated purposes of what
'Peace' is and how to achieve it, then why don't you write
down your opinion and we will include it in the next issue."
and I have locked horns before and I enjoy a challenge,
but I knew just giving my own opinion would really not
carry much weight. No, to face the issue properly I knew
I would have to do some research. I figured that the Devil
himself might shed some "light" on this subject,
if it were at all possible. After all, who is the father
of all war and killing if not the Devil himself? It would
be a bit tricky trying to get an interview. The Devil
is busier these days than ever before. Also, he has been
known to lie a bit and parse words better than Bill Clinton.
It would mean anything he said in the interview would
have to be read with this awareness.
being said, I decided to pursue the Old Father of Flies
for a chance to speak with him. You might well ask how
an amateur interviewer would ever get a chance to catch
such a rare opportunity. If the truth must be known, I
was well aware where Satan might easily be found. I had
been in touch with him over the years on more than one
occasion. This time I intended to put our contact to some
good use. Who knows? Perhaps it might even convince Bircan
of the error of her logic... but I doubt it. I'll explain
however, I needed to get in touch with Satan himself.
I did say I knew where to find him. As a loyal Yankees
baseball fan I knew Satan could never resist a chance
to go to the stadium, especially when the Boston Red Sox
were in town. I simply waited for the right moment. It
was just a few weeks ago. I even knew where Satan would
be sitting. It would be right beside me at the game.
many years I've been friends with a poor deluded soul
named "The Boston Horndog*". This pathetic creature
was born and raised in New York, yet he roots for a team
that has not won a World Series since Babe Ruth was traded
away to the Yankees. The year? 1918. We went to a baseball
game each year and often when the Sox played the Yankees.
I depended on Satan being present as he always was...
hosted inside my good friend, The Boston Horndog.
shielded for his own protection
was a quick game, as games go. It began with a Boston
lead and they played well... right into the ninth inning.
At the bottom of the ninth, everything fell apart and
the team lost to the Yankees.... again. The Horndog was
totally dejected, a state that Satan has led him to on
more than one occasion. Even a few cups of high priced
stadium beer did little to remove the sting of defeat.
Cursing? Yes, to be sure. The whole world and Red Sox
management was particularly sounded out. Satan was enjoying
himself. In the middle of the game, however, I summoned
I began, "let's drop all the pretense. I have an
assignment and I am going to need a little bit of help."
What has any of that got to do with me?" Clearly
it was a bit of the beer talking as the Horndog does have
a gentle nature some of the time.
me be direct. Satan come forth!", I shouted and laying
my hands upon my friend, I caught him as he slumped forward.
knew all along, didn't you?", said the Dark Angel.
it was easy to tell. He did not seem to be possessed by
the legions of demons you sponsor. I figured it out quite
easily. Any Yankees fan could tell you about the Hell
of Fenway Park. It would make sense that one would find
you occupying a body of a Boston fanatic. I need to ask
you a few questions about "peace" for
publication in The Light Millennium."
Well, and good, but I am quite, quite busy. A little bit
of tweaking around inside your friend during a Boston
/ Yankees match up is the only pleasure I seem to get
I accused him.
for that. You know I love a compliment. OK, I will give
you a little of my time just as a courtesy. Ask away."
was not a mind reader. You'd be surprised to know that
he is not so powerful. He can plant suggestions in your
mind, but he cannot read your mind. It is something you
should be aware of. He did not know I was looking for
him until I made it clear, and he did not know I was aware
it was he alone who was inside the Horndog's xbody.
Boston Horndog, by the way, was still quite passed out
in his seat. On a Wednesday night game this is not so
unusual. Our upper tier seats were in a quite empty part
of the stadium. Satan, Horndog and I were quite alone
and able to pursue a conversation without much being out
of the ordinary. We looked like three middle class fellows
out for a night at the park.
was amazed to learn that Satan was aware of LM's existence.
I attribute this to Satan doing some research of his own.
began to inquire a few things of Satan just for background
and then we got into the topic of "Peace". It
was just as I had suspected all along. Satan was in favor
of Peace... on his own terms, of course.
and more, dear reader, will be outlined in our continuation
and I will knit together the parable at the start of this
piece with what Satan told me.... next issue.
_ . _
Mail to Robert
J. Baumann: firstname.lastname@example.org