Millennium #15 Issue, May 2005
Hole-The return of Sandor Schnipple
Robert J. BAUMANN
like to tell you about Flip's natural cooking style
at the outset. It's a gentler way of continuing my little
story. Flip made pasta on Tuesdays. It is not that he
did not make this on other days, but on Tuesday his
extra supply was for his lunch "special".
The special item on Flip's menu included soup, salad,
main dish and a choice of beverage. All things considered,
Flip's spaghetti was rather good... almost as if by
A pot of boiling water was the start of
the process. Flip added a generous amount [well, generous
by Flip's own exacting standards, that is] of Striano's
Spread. This stuff came in a huge container the size
of a waste basket. Whoever Striano was, he was not fooling
around. His product was obviously only for the restaurant
trade. No human being would have a refrigerator big
enough to store this container, but Flip did. From the
way I figure it Flip had to buy this only 3 or 4 times
a year and saved a bundle. It was a substitute for butter
or margarine. In hardened form the stuff looked like
yellow candle wax, but the flavor was quite like butter.
I wondered under what conditions Striano's Spread might
become hard again, but then I have become nervous about
all kinds of food these days. Bottom line? Everything
you enjoy will surely kill you sooner or later... even
in the smallest quantities.
next added the pasta, a brand that sounded Norwegian
and not at all Italian. Flip did not let anyone get
too close to the packages of the stuff. I suspect it
was a bit ripe. I am not sure what the shelf life of
pasta is, but this angel hair pasta was pretty hairy.
He no sooner received it than he removed all traces
of the wrapping it came in. Flip muttered something
about boiling it a bit longer "freshens it right
up". The only time Flip "freshened" food
was when it was stale.
finished pasta was drained of its water and a huge can
of sauce [also made by Striano] was stirred in. Flip's
last touch was a dollop of ricotta cheese mixed right
in to preserve the secret of his flavoring additive.
The end result was edible and, if it were not, would
have killed off Buddy Taub years ago. For a modest extra
sum, Flip would cut up a few pieces of yesterday's meat
loaf and voila, spaghetti and meat balls!
that I think of it, killing Buddy Taub is the perfect
way to begin again where I left off last issue.
Schnipple had entered and sat down next to Mrs. Dechine.
He made the mistake of asking what was new. I was going
to have Mrs. Dechine break the news gently, but good
old Buddy Taub, our resident loudmouth, beat everyone
to the punch.
starting a sperm bank", said Taub.
had a full mouthful of coffee just as this was blurted
out. He choked on half and spit out the rest.
what?!?", said Sam once he had recaptured enough
right, Sam," said Mrs. Dechine. "He wants
to help those poor unfortunate couples who are not able
to have a child. It seemed like a very good idea given
his ability. He is very, very potent and it is only
natural to use the best possible sperm that would insure
mean to tell me he is going to get paid for doing what
he once did for free?"
it wasn't exactly free, was it? He did have to wine
and dine the ladies he met. In his old age he's realized
some of his errors, Sam and now he is trying to make
amends to humanity."
that what he told you? And you believe him? He was a
deadbeat dad a hundred times over and more. He had as
many kids as there are days in the year. We are still
trying to find them all. Lord knows how many thousand
Schnipples are running around who do not know their
ancestry. What nerve! Now he wants to be paid for this?
He's going to charge people for his sperm?"
dear Sam. He's going to help couples to get pregnant."
he did not say but I assumed it would be through counseling."
foot. He's going to impregnate women the old fashioned
way and get paid for doing it! What a bastard!"
chimed in Taub, "don't you think that's a poor
choice of words... given the history and the subject?"
was shouted down by everyone, except Flip who stood
behind the counter focused on Sam.
what are you going to do about this, Sam?", asked
Do? I'll tell you what I am going to do.... I am going
to call a for a family reunion, right here in New York
City. I will have him in a court of law and tie him
up ten ways from Tuesday. He won't be able to run that
business until he pays his back child support money.
Several Schnipples I know have studied law and are practicing
attorneys. I will sue him for all he has, so help me
God. Sandor Schnipple will pay for his years of callous
behavior! I will instigate a class action lawsuit by
all of his children. That's what I'll do!".
be aware that the law is a strange thing," said
Mo Ippai. "You don't want to wind up like the Zhlub."
is the Zhlub?", asked Sam. Indeed I was wondering
the same thing.
Zhlub was a client of Dean Kusakabe, my lawyer/brother-in-law.
He told me about it a few years ago. He presented the
case to the Supreme Court. Perhaps you heard of it.
It made all the papers at the time." Not a head
nodded in acknowledgement.
was the case about, Mo?", I asked.
began to tell the story. I will relate all of it to
you in the next installment.
Robert BAUMANN's blog:
to Robert Baumann: firstname.lastname@example.org