over my writers block!
by Evrim SEL
had promised myself that I would not have force myself
to write. I figured it would come back eventually... but
it hasn't. I still cannot sit down, take a pen in my hand
and start writing all the things those pass through my
mind... So I have come to the conclusion that I'll have
to just force it out of my self.. So here I start...
guess maybe I still am hiding from myself... I think maybe
I don't have courage to face everything that I am thinking,
or maybe I am so used to news writing and sticking to
the facts that maybe I am losing my ability to look further...
all these (well not that many since I am only 23 now)
years of experience of writing essays and poetry, I've
discovered that when I am writing, I have to be.. I need
to be honest to myself... I need to face my own truth,
without the fear of being criticized. Otherwise, it just
doesn't come out right; the words don't create meaningful
lot of things happened since the last time I wrote. First
of all I had changed a lot. I am not a college student
anymore... I graduated after 3 and a half lovely years
of college and jumped into the real world. At first I
though it was just great. I had finally done it. I got
a great job at where I had interned; I didn't experience
the emptiness of an unknown reality. I knew what I wanted
to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be... Everything
was ready to join the rest of the world... to live the
rest of my life-my own adventure.
wanted to change the world according to my beliefs. I
wanted to lead my life the way I wanted to, with no interruptions
or delays. How unrealistic does that sound, right?
certainly isn't what we got used to in high school and
it certainly isn't college. The people you get to meet
are usually not as understanding, and open minded as some
of your classmates or your teachers...
am a very straightforward person. I like it that way.
I need to get it off of my chest, if I feel strongly about
something or someone... If I don't like you, or something
you say I'll let you know. If something bothers me, I
try to share it with others...
in real world, not many can handle that kind of a truth;
it is too much pressure on some. Life is not like a classroom
where everyone is ready and comfortable with debate...
It certainly is a place where, each and everyday we take
many tests, some we fail, some we pass... but it certainly
isn't an understanding classroom. If you fail on your
decision, you definitely have to face harsher consequences.
In real life you can't take the test again, or you can't
beg your teacher for an oral presentation... that could
raise your average... You lose, you lose... you have got
to find another road to follow. Now I understand why my
mother said, I shouldn't stress as much over school work...
one day I'll look back and say "those were the best
years of my life". See, I never realized up until
now, how great I had it when I was in school. My professors
and classmates were all precious. We had a million topics
to reflect on. I would have talked much more than only
if I knew that I couldn't do it after graduation...
thought my ideal world was strong enough to break through
the mountain high waves, all the resistance. But that
was a dream... that could not survive long enough. I didn't
know life was all about politics-which I hate so much
by the way.
only that, I wanted to make a difference. I had my own
beliefs, my own opinions about how life was and how it
was supposed to be... As my boyfriend told me later on,
I just had way to high hopes for the humanity (society)...
on certain issues. I didn't know, well I knew but didn't
want to accept that one person's opinion couldn't change
anything. Out there you can talk all you want. People
hear it, but discard it. Many, at this point (even sometimes
me) are so used to ignoring the unfairness of life, the
disrespect of others. Finding out that we all become ignorant
at some point in life bothers me... realizing the fact
that I have come to accept that, hurts me even more...
My boyfriend says it shouldn't... According to him that's
just life... You have got to learn how to take it as it
evolves around you...
to think of it... when there is a beat down or kills a
young minority kid, I react to it more than he does. He
says it's all because I didn't grow up here and he did...
He says he grew up with all that unfairness, so learned
to accept it, or not overreact to them. But is that a
right thing to do. I mean when I call him "ignorant"
he gets mad at me. I don't mean anything bad by it, I
understand where he comes from, but I can't help but think
that he needs to be a little more sensitive than he became
realize now the number of people one can really reach
out to... is no matter what, is very limited... I understand
that one person may not be able to change anything. But
does that mean we should give up thinking, believing.
If we all think the same, dress the same with additional
individualities, what's the point of life then?
boyfriend laughs at me... He says I live in my own world...
What's wrong with having my little get-away world? I like
the world I try to keep alive inside my mind. I have strong
opinions... that I actually enjoy sharing if I am given
the chance. Not everyone has to agree upon what I think.
I just like to let give others the chance to get to know
the "real me."
my conclusion is that "I don't want to live my life
by trying to hide most of what I think, so I won't offend
anybody, I don't want to play political all the time.
I just want to be me... I don't want to hide anymore."
I am breaking my own silence...
Thank you to all of you who just
read this essay, and I
hope it made sense for you, somewhere along the
Sel, NY, July 2002